Waiting
by domineko
Summary: Does Hitomi wait for something that will never arrive? Does she hope for something that was never there? Please R&R.. This is my firsr esca fic...
1. Waiting

A/N: Umm... this is my first time to make an esca fanfic... I don't really know... Please review this one, I badly need it... Thanks...  
  
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Title: Waiting  
Author: domineko  
Genre: angst/drama  
Rating: PG or PG-10 due to some stuff smaller kids might not be able to comprehend (hey, I said *might*)   
  
Disclaimer: I don't, in any way, own Tenkuu no Escaflowne or any of its characters. Everything under the category Escaflowne is owned by Shouji Kawamori. If anybody in the world goes by that name (he's probably a filthy rich guy, but...) well... it's definitely not me. If I did, I'd be really happy. ^-^  
  
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Tonight, I have to admit, is one of the most beautiful nights I've ever seen. I sat here, all alone in this bright night, illuminated by the sparkling stars in the sky, and the mysterious luna and the mystic moon.   
  
Yes, the mystic moon. Where I believed that I have found my love.   
  
And here, in Gaea, is where I've proven myself wrong.  
  
I used to think that my love was miles away from me, in that mystic object I see in front of me. I see him, waiting for me to return, looking up the skies as if waiting for one of the stars to fall down and see me again. I used to see his eyes, his face, his smile, all for me, and only for me. It was a selfish dream I used to live in, living a life I could barely call my own. Why? Because it all depended on my unreachable dream to see him love me too.  
  
Yes, I was like a little girl playing pretend. A painful game of pretend, and I always lost in it.  
  
But it was fun. And it hurt. It hurt me deep inside, like a giant knife continually cutting in deeper and deeper in my heart. I kept this practice for painstaking weeks, trying to keep myself longing desperately for something that wasn't there.   
  
But it was then that I felt what was referred to as 'love'.   
  
It was then, when I was with this brash young king, when I was lonely, I was sad, I was lost. And I was found. It was then that I realized that I was dreaming.   
  
It was then that I finally woke up.  
  
I realized it during those lonely nights that I would open my eyes, tears filling them up. It was then that I would be dreaming of him, and would wake up to the painful reality that he would never be mine. I would cry silently at night, hiding my sobs in the soft noises of the evening, hiding everything I kept inside. I knew I was hurting myself, but I couldn't stop.  
  
I just... can't...  
  
Then he would come. It wasn't my dream prince back there in the mystic moon, in the other world. My comfort came in the form of this careless, rash young king who would wake up in the middle of the night, hearing my sobs. I would hear him stand up his bed, go near me and look at me curiously and ask, 'What's wrong?'  
  
I didn't dare give an answer to that question. I simply sat up, and looked up the stars. He would then sit beside me, and look up the sky as well. None of us would talk during those times, we just shared this wonderful silence that gave me the comfort I needed. There was no need for words. The silence has been enough. My nightmare would be over then.  
  
He would stay with me, until I fall asleep. I don't know if he still watches me after that, but I won't be surprised if he does. Then, when the day comes, we would act as if nothing happened the night before. We would share the same loud, annoying arguements we've kept doing for the longest time. We would still tease each other. But underneath the childish arguements, the irritation, the friction between us at day, there would be a beautiful silence that we would share in our eyes.  
  
And then, I realize who really would be my love. Because, if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be spending my supposed sleep hours outside Asturia's castle, sitting alone in the middle of the cold night breeze the ocean brings. I wouldn't look up the stars and think about all these things while patiently waiting for him to come. I wouldn't be here, even if he asked me and told me that he will tell me something very important tonight.  
  
I saw his figure cautiously climbing up the window. He was late, very late, but I didn't mind. I knew it was worth the wait. I knew he would tell me tonight of how much he loved me, and of how long he had waited for this moment, and for how long he has been urging himself to do so. I would smile back at him then, and return the same words he uttered, leaving him an assurance that I love him too.   
  
He sat beside me and looked out to the looming ocean. He looked at the gentle waves breaking at the shore, bringing a fresh gust of wind at land. I waited.  
  
'Hitomi?' he asked, looking down the ground. He was looking down hard, thinking very hard, and was trying very hard. But even now, the brave Fanelian king which seemed to not learn how to run out of courage is in need of it.  
  
'Do you have something to tell me, Van?' I asked gently and quietly. I didn't use any force. I can only wait for what he says.  
  
Silence followed my words. It was then and there that the conversation ended. Again, he has failed to tell me of what he was supposed to say. Again, I had to content myself with our silence, as if we're speaking in a different, soundless language only the two of us could understand. And, as what I could translate, he was still afraid to tell me. Because for what he knew, I still have feelings for the guy I used to cry over every night, in my dreams, when he used to comfort me. He still does, but maybe not in the same way.   
  
I wanted to tell him that he's wrong. I wanted to tell him that Amano doesn't own my feelings anymore. I wanted to use this power I have, through my pendant, to control the strings of fate and lead ourselves to a reality where he has all the courage he could muster to tell me of his feelings, where we are unhindered by my past, where everything we wished have come true. But I won't.  
  
I don't want to live in that world full of lies.  
  
I will wait for the day that he has enough courage to walk up to me and tell me how much he loves me. How much he cares. Because I know, even without this power, that that day will come. I don't need to doubt in him, I know he will be able to do it someday. He will get over his fear of me putting him down by telling him that my feelings still belong to the guy who wasn't even worth my tears. Because if he truly loves me, he will overcome that fear.  
  
I know he does. That is why I leave him to weave his own thread of fate. That is why I leave this reality alone. Because I want to feel his love. Because I don't want to cheat myself.  
  
I am now to content myself with what I could interpret from the silence between us. I would let myself be, in this silence that bound us together, and content myself with the wind's whispers of an imaginary 'I love you...' as they ring through my ear. I would enjoy myself here, as I sit beside the one I hold dearest to me, and appreciate the silence we share.  
  
Don't worry, Van. I know that day will come when you tell me what you have to say. And until that day comes, I will be waiting for you. And I know that whatever you tell me on that day is worth the wait.  
  
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Yeah, I know the fic kinda sucks. It's dead with emotion. It's too long. It's too cliche. Please tell me what else is wrong with it... Reviews are desperately needed. Thanks... 


	2. In Silence

A/N: Wow, I'm deeply touched by everybody who reviewed my last fic, Waiting... It's just my first time here, really, but I am sooo happy to receive such reviews... I am inspired! I've written this so far, this is van's POV of that night... Thank you sooo much to everybody who reviewed... I really appreciate it...  
  
I hope you forgive this one... I think Van's OOC here, but... well... please r&r... reviews are still very badly needed... thanks...  
  
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Title: In Silence  
Author: domineko  
Genre: angst/drama  
Rating: PG or PG-10 due to some stuff smaller kids might not be able to comprehend (hey, I said *might*)   
  
Disclaimer: I don't, in any way, own Tenkuu no Escaflowne or any of its characters. Everything under the category Escaflowne is owned by Shouji Kawamori.   
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I sighed. Yes, tonight's the night...  
  
I looked out my window and saw the waves breaking off the shore. A fresh breeze blew through my curtains, making them sway like fluid clouds. The stars tonight are unusually bright. The moons were of total harmony... Yes, this night was beautiful. Too beautiful to be true.  
  
I looked at the stars again. These were the same stars that looked down on us before. Before, when I woke up and hear her quiet sobs brought about in the still night. I would see silent tears soundlessly fall down her cheeks.   
  
At first I thought of her as a highly shallow kind of girl, one who gets easily annoyed and one who could never understand other's feelings. I was wrong. I was very wrong.  
  
I realized my mistake as I saw her painstakingly carry on crying each night. I never thought of her being so sensitive and vulnerable to pain. Not the physical type of pain that could be mended, the type of pain that could give you something etched on your heart.  
  
I didn't exactly mind those sobs at first. But then, I began to sympathize with her, and her sentiments. I found myself waking up the moment I hear her faint voice in the middle of the night. I found myself sitting beside her, listening to her thoughts in silence and wiping away those wretched tears from her beautiful eyes.  
  
I found myself, falling in love with this girl I barely knew...  
  
I don't know what drew me to her. Her eyes, her smile, her voice... maybe. Her need of comfort, possibly. But what really drew me close to her was her tears, her pain and her bittersweet smiles that she had when I tried to comfort her every night.  
  
But loving isn't heaven... It isn't heaven at all...  
  
I remember very clearly how I felt everytime I see her cry. How could a girl with such beautiful, soulful eyes, shed tears so bitter? I felt my heart sink as I see her in so much pain and that I could provide only little comfort to her. The dagger that struck me when I first saw her cry would run deeper in my heart when I see her look longingly at the mystic moon, where she has come from, hoping to see the one she loved. I felt a terrible pain in my chest when she shows me her bittersweet smiles that were so full of love. I cursed my own helplessness and hopelessness. Why? Because all of these are not for me.  
  
The pain, the tears, the smiles... They were all caused by a love she so dearingly hopes for. A love she so desperately longs that it hurts her deep inside. And like her, I would wake up the next morning to just face the fact that she would never be mine. I could hope for her, but never have her...  
  
Whenever I see her every night, I would curse myself. I want to talk to her, tell her how much I loved her, provide her the comfort she so desperately needs and wipe all those wretched tears for good. But I never seem to come up with the courage to do so. I know it's stupid, but I'm afraid.  
  
Yes, even if I've been from the bloodiest battles, or faced th fiercest dragons, I am still afraid. I'm afraid of losing the one I hold most dearest to me, losing her by hearing her turn me down, because I know, I just know, that she loves another.  
  
I lay at my bed again and sighed. I've promised myself to tell her tonight. I promised myself never to see those cursed tears run down her face again, because of the one she most desperately loves. I promised that I'll protect and ease her from the pain that I never want to see in her eyes again. I /promised/.  
  
I stood up and jumped off the window as cautiously as I could. I was late, very late. I saw the lonely figure reflecting the moonlight, sitting near the shore and watching the waves go by. I gathered everything I've got, and sat down beside her, keeping my view at the ocean.  
  
Moments of silence followed, but she said nothing. I looked at her again, and as if by instinct, I said, 'Hitomi?'  
  
I was surprised by my own words, wondering how in the world have I been able to say her name without stuttering awkwardly. I have felt myself weakening when I look at her in her devastated, quiet states where I seem to be of no comfort to her. She looked up at me, giving me a chance to gaze at her eyes, just once more. I felt another stab of pain thrust in me...  
  
Those were the eyes that told me that she was in love...  
  
She truly loved him...  
  
'Do you have something to tell me, Van?' she asked in a quiet, timid voice. It was so soft, so small, that I hear it gently fluttering in my ears.  
  
I looked out the ocean again. I didn't answer her question. I felt my throat dry up as I tried to speak, searching for words to say. But none came.  
  
Again, I've failed to tell her how I really felt. Again, I would curse my own helplessness and cowardice for not being able to face my fear of losing her, though she was never really mine. But still, I could show her how much i loved her. I would show her in the silence I have always shared with her, every night, when she was in need. The silence that could be translated into a sweet phrase that i suppose, could content me, because this silence speaks of what i truly feel.  
  
I love you, Hitomi.  
  
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Sorry if the fic is kind of unorganized or messy. I am not really the type who uses an outline or whatever in writing. When I have inspiration, I just go to a pc or laptop and start typing (which explains the obvious lack of preparation). I think it's a bit too angsty and confusing this time, but I hope that this fic is ok... I fear for it... Please, please, please, please review... Thank you so much... 


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